Posted in "Daily" pages Life


February 6, 2010 - 12:16 am

Tonight has been a hard night.  I really don’t know why it’s been so hard.  Work wasn’t unusually stressful.  Life wasn’t unusually stressful.  I’m getting therapeutic massage to try to deal with some long term spinal issues that cause me occasional pain and numbness in my arms and hands, and that was profoundly, well, therapeutic.  I got a lot of immediate relief from the symptoms, and I expect the work we did will lead to long term improvement, as well.  Myofascial release is amazing. That was the most effective bodywork session I think I’ve ever had.

None of that changed the fact that I’m feeling bluesy and needy and very much alone tonight.  I think this is the first time it’s hit this hard since I moved here, which is a testament to how well I’ve been coping, overall, with the changes.  Driving home from the therapy session it started settling in.  I thought about looking for something to do that would involve going out and being with people, but decided it was better to sit with my feelings and try to release them rather than dodging them.  So here I’ve sat tonight, knitting and petting cats and watching Caprica.

PMS is probably a factor in my mood, as is February.  This month is the nadir of my affect more or less every year.  The darkness has really gotten to me by this point, and even though the daylight is getting longer and longer, there still isn’t a whole lot of it. I knew February would be hard back in June when I found out these changes were coming, and I’ve been building my life to be ready for it.  I’m feeling pretty good about how it’s going so far.  Sure, it’s only day 5, but I’m in a good place heading into the month.

Generally I’m approaching the bluesy mood by working first on the physical things that are easy to set to rights: eating better, exercising more, and sleeping reasonable and regular hours.  Being physically in a good place is the first, best defense against the down moods.

I’m also returning to my yoga practice.  The myofascial release work is directly related to this; I want to stretch more, and work on my alignment and balance, integrating the work I’ve done on the table with a more dynamic practice.  I discovered this week that my cubicile is private enough, and has enough open space, that I can practice most yoga poses without being seen or disturbed.  I’m getting up and running through Sun salutes between meetings, or another flow that I’ve been liking which is a runner’s stretch into Warrior I into triangle, then rotating to do the sequence in the other orientation.  Warrior I has always been energizing for me, and that is still true.

Seattle is being kinder than I expected to my mood, because it’s clearly already spring.  I’ve spent several of the afternoons this week starting to work on my garden, and this weekend there will be much gardening accomplished.  I am stripping the vegetation off the majority of the back yard, and laying out a vegetable garden.  I haven’t decided for sure the layout for it, but step one: “clear the area” will be the same no matter what. I figure I can look at it tomorrow while I’m digging, and hatch a plan.

Part of me wants simple rectangular beds.  Part of me wants a stepping stone garden, like what I had in Santa Cruz years ago.  Part of me wants a labyrinth. It will be interesting to see what comes together from those parts.  🙂  I’ll measure thoroughly as part of the work tomorrow, and then sketch tomorrow night.  Where by sketch I mean “pop open a graphical editor and move around stuff.”  The paper and pen stuff is sooo last millennia.

I’m expecting to establish herbs near the back door, but mostly plant annuals in the majority of the garden area: veggies, and a few flowers.  I’m going to leave the perennial beds around the edge this year, just trying to prune the decadent growth back into vigor, and see what is there.  I may do a major restructuring in the fall, but I want to watch it through a full turn of the seasons before deciding.

I’m setting off to the side the well rooted perennials that have seeded into the area.  Some of them I can identify, and some I think I recognize.  All of them will be set into a narrow bed along the south edge of the property, against the fence, where they can’t get up to much trouble.  Eventually that bed will be ferns, hostas, and Japanese forest grass, but for now it’s a nursery.

Creatively, I’ve made reasonable targets for myself, and am taking great pleasure in more or less meeting them.  The sock pattern is coming along nicely.  I hope to have the instructions for knitting the foot fleshed out a bit more, the sizing information worked through, and a clean draft created by the end of the weekend. That sounds like a lot, but should only be a couple hours work.

In life generally, I’ve taken a step back, sorted out my priorities, let go of the guilt I pile up on myself when I can’t do everything and be everything for everyone, and I’ve put things more or less in order.  I am making slow progress against my goals, and I’m comfortable with that.  Every day a little more.  Not a lot, but enough.  I am still rooting in, still healing.  This is not a time for big glorious growth yet, this is still a time for recovering and letting go.

Tomorrow there should be pictures.  I want to shoot the two WIP’s I have going, and also lay out a garden design draft.  For now, though, it’s time to sleep.

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