Posted in "Daily" pages
I had aspirations of working on the porch after lunch, but alas the laptop screen is just not up to even a moderately overcast day. Lunch was delicious, though, and it was lovely to be outside. I had a wrap with bacon, smoked turkey, pepper cress, mizuna, and Arugula Ladysmith cheese that all came from the farmer’s market yesterday, along with organic carrots and cherries from the market. Yum.
Today has been about gently meeting the whiny “I dun wanna” inner voice with a resolute “but I’m gonna.” This is a theme for me. The gently part is new and the hardest. I grew up pushing through whatever internal obstacles I found with no regard for where they came from, and I bullied myself into bad situations, illness, and other unpleasantness by not honoring my internal voices.
Accepting that sometimes I need rest, or need to back up and find a new approach to solving a problem is *hard* for me. I am terrified it will slide into the sloth and topor of deep depression, and I fear that like few things. I lost years of my life to depression. I am one of the fortunate few who easily found just the right medicine to counteract it; a low dose of Wellbutrin gives me the space I need to see colors through the dim haze when it starts to cloud my perceptions. But that fear of stillness remains a part of me.
Tuesdays after staying up late for the Hack Your Clothes evenings have proven impossible for me. I have lost every one to exhaustion. Today I’m doing a little better than the past few, and I’ve talked to Matt about leaving earlier. I can stay til 10:30 or 11, but sticking around past midnight doesn’t work for me. As long as the flier and announcements are changes to reflect the times he’s fine with that. Good news.
So first thing this (late) morning I reworked the flyer for Hack Your clothes night. I also worked through a gentle yoga practice, folded and put away laundry, cleaned the kitchen, did some other editing, and made a healthy delicious lunch instead of grazing. I’m tired and headachy and generally feeling less than 100%, but I’m proud both of the efforts I’m making to keep moving forward and the respect I’m paying to my physical needs. Finding a balance.
As soon as my food settles there will be napping, and then I’m not sure what’s next. I’ll see how I feel when I wake up. I may go back to Metrix or I may stay here and work on writing things. The important thing is to find my pace and keep moving forward.